Auf wiedersehen, beschissen Bangle-Arschen!

(Goodbye, crappy Bangle-butts!) For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Bangle or his atrocities, know this: in high school, my car-loving friends and I adopted the word “Bangle” to mean, well, the same thing as a four-letter work starting with an “F” commonly used to describe (with “-ed” on the end) the state of the economy. That same meaning of “completely and totally screwed” applies to what Mr. Bangle did to the styling department of BMW.

According to the ever-accurate wikipedia, Chris Bangle (who is American) went to BMW in 1992, apparently after deciding that becoming a Methodist priest was less exciting that making ugly cars. There, he imposed a strange, twisted design philosophy. Before Bangle reached BMW, they were known for their driving dynamics, not their styling. Case in point: the BMW M5 of the late ‘80s. Ugly as sin, but a great driver. Later M5s, notably the 1998-2003 edition, were handsome in an UNDERSTATED way. They did not need to be flashy to convey the point that they were fast, luxurious, and exclusive. Fast forward to 2002, when the 7-series that was styled by Bangle’s team was unleashed on an unsuspecting public. It had a butt that looked like it had grown an unfortunate tumor, and it was shocking and polarizing. No longer was BMW going to eschew gimmicky tack-on elements, they were going to fully embrace them! Bangle said, “let the world have FLAME SURFACING,” and despite the fact that no one knew what the hell he was talking about, suddenly people noticed that their BMWs looks like they had been poorly folded out of cardboard, with clashing lines and edges. This Z4 is a prime example, with strange shapes scalloped into the sides, awkward meetings of panels, and a frumpy tail. All hallmarks of the Bangle style. But in any event, the point of the matter is that Bangle is gone, and despite all of the harm he’s done to BMW and its competitors (like Infiniti and especially Acura, whose cars have been beaten with the ugly stick of late), hopefully BMW will decide a new styling direction would help them sell more cars.

[source: Jalopnik, Reuters]

Good News!

OK, I’ve spent a lot of time in the last two days looking for some morsel from the auto world that is not completely depressing. It hasn’t been easy, but hey, I’m working for you, loyal readers, so I don’t mind the drudgery. So here’s what I came up with:

1. The impending failure of the Big 3 in Detroit means our society, our way of life, and all of our cars will be consigned to oblivion in the near future. Prepare to eat a diet of coarsely ground grain, fend off large mammalian predators, and drag a sledge behind you …

… um, er, haha, little joke. Moving right along …

1. (for real this time) if you live in Europe and have a hankering for really big luxury cars that get good economy (who doesn’t?), then you might like the new BMW 730Ld. Kidding aside, this car really points out why diesel engines, in my mind, play a really important niche. The 730Ld (which is a huge car, by the way, at 205” long and weighs close to 6,000 lbs) will get 32 MPG on the European combined cycle test. I don’t think it will break any speed records, but diesels are getting a lot better. And for folks that want their cake and don’t want to have to fill up the tank while they’re eating it, the idea of a huge luxury sedan that gets Toyota Yaris fuel economy might be just what the doctor ordered. [Source: BMW via Autoblog Green]

2. Plus, if you get a 730Ld, in the near future you might be able to fill it up with fuel derived from algae. Seriously. There are still a ton of economic obstacles to making this a really competitive fuel source, but the advantages are numerous: high productivity, noncompetition with human food sources, ability to grow in ponds on unutilized land, etc. As long as it doesn’t spur the rise of a super-advanced sentient algae species that we will have to fight in order to survive, it should work out well. [Source: Nevada News]

3. Finally, Ford, the healthiest of the Detroit 3 automakers, has announced that if you actually want to buy one of their 2010 Fusion hybrids, you’ll get the full $3,400 tax credit. It does get impressive economy, at 41 MPG in the city. The hitch? In April, the credit gets halved, and in October it gets halved again. Nevertheless, if you absolutely crave a midsize hybrid that gets the best fuel economy, the Fusion is the way to go. It’s significantly more efficient than any other hybrid in its class. [Source: Ford]